Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
