Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
can u get pink eye on your cock?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
