she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize