remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
