I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
