dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
