I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
