Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
In other news, I just burned my penis
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
