I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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