I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Even the bartender felt bad for me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
