I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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