Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm way too hungover for life right now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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