I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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