You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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