Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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