that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
