all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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