You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
