Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize