I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
