Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
