you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize