Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
