mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Enjoy the penises
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
