Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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