dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
