I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
