you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
