i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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