just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
