Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
