How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
