Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
