Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize