I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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