I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
be right there i have to get my cape
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
