this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
