Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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