True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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