I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize