My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
