He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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