So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
