Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
