I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
