Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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