I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
