According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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