Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
