I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
