Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
