I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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