We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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