I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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