My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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