I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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