my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
why is half of my head shaved?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
