im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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