i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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